This man is waking up today reaIising he's a math's teacher.
(Man screams)
It's dawned on this woman that she designs bacon packaging.
(Woman) No, no, no!
(Woman screams)
These two peopIe are in charge of Bedford's water.
(Man) Oh! Jesus!
For this man, knowing that he deIivers ice to fishmongers,
produces unendurabIe agony.
(Man screams)
Every day is a waking heII for the tour manager of Bewitched.
(Man) Bloody, bloody, bloody!
WhiIe the members of Bewitched
are aware of their own precarious existence.
(Screaming)
As is TUC Ieader John Monks.
(Man) Bastards! Bastards!
- And the staff of HaIfords. - (Screaming)
- Damon HiII. - (Wailing)
- SyIvester McCoy, - Hello?
PeopIe who cIean pubs in the morning.
We're told the key to happiness
is to try and live each day as if it's your last day of your life.
But that's rubbish because you'd have to spend every day in agonising pain
attached to tubes and surrounded by people who want your money.
So, the next thing you're told is take stock of your life
but all that leads to is people waking up screaming at 4:00am,
as they realise that somewhere in their life they took a wrong turning.
Probably about eight years ago.
We've reached the 2 1st Century
and yet the onIy thing that makes us truIy happy
is the shuffIe function on a CD pIayer - everything eIse Ieaves us dissatisfied.
My friend, Bonzo the CIown, changed his job...
l want to be a teacher.
...but stiII couIdn't hack it.
lf you want to go out, what do we do?
- (Laughter) - l am trying to teach you mathematics.
WhiIe my neighbour, a fireman, took up maIe stripping,
but stripping whiIe putting out fires.
♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb... ♪
(Man) Fire is quite boring reaIIy, cos it aII Iooks the same.
PeopIe just weren't excited by fire.
We'd puII peopIe out who'd burned their Iips through yawning.
Now, we've turned fire into high cIass entertainment.
But it's safe. None of the Iadies char.
(Armando ) Now there are women-onIy fires opening aII over the north
and there are pIans to open a big gay fire in GIasgow.
You get all the inside information here about show-business.
This is my barber.
He's the onIy man I know who's happy with where he's got to in Iife,
so I just put up with his incessant ceIebrity trivia.
lt's amazing how different people look on the telly to real life.
For example, Hugh Laurie, very tall man,
but his head is the exact same size and shape as a potato.
And l'm not talking like a King Edward or something like that,
a little potato, a new potato, Egyptian new potato, something like that.
Something people don't realise about Emma Freud
is that she has got a big spider tattoo all over her head.
She's also got an antler growing out of her head as well.
- Just the one? - Yeah, just one.
She used to have two, but she lost the other one in a fight with Sade
in the gutter back in 1 996.
Right.
They was fighting over some man or something, the usual sort of thing.
Anyway, they locked horns, so to speak,
and l think one of Emma Freud's antlers got caught in Sade's jaws,
because she's got them detachable jaws, a bit like a snake.
She can swallow big objects whole,
like for example, l don't know, like, er... like a little baby pony
or a football or something like that.
That's what gives her a distinctive singing voice.
We let our work define us.
When people say, ''What do you do?'' We say ''l'm a baker.''
Or ''l'm a crash investigator''
We don't say ''l get in late and eat cold spring rolls
''in front of repeats of Buffy The Vampire Slayer,
''in a room full of carpets stained with dried up tears. And yourself?''
But Iife outside work can be great. We forget this, which is probabIy why
we spend so much time at work trying to make it more interesting.
- (Man) l'm sorry about your husband. - (Woman) lt was so sudden.
(Man) Yes, it was.
l'm sorry to raise this now but there is a problem with everyone's dress code.
Dress? But we've got the black ties, the suits...
l don't see what he problem is.
On the second Wednesday of the month
we do like to have a rodeo theme to the cremations.
- A what? - (Both) Rodeo?
lt was mentioned in the literature that we sent to you.
We have some Stetsons and the gentlemen could wear some chaps?
Chaps?
lf you follow me, l can show you where to find them. Thank you very much.
Frank was always keen
to give credit to others when it was their due.
And this was the case
at home and in the office.
His desk... was a masterpiece of tidiness.
He, er...had his paper clips in one wee pot
and...a ruler in his...
Yeah, l'll hold. Yeah.
l always liked that idea some companies had
of allowing their staff to wear casual clothes on a Friday to boost morale.
Always liked that idea until l went to Euro Disney on a Friday
with my nephews and we were disappointed.
Here's us being greeted by Mickey Mouse
and there we are complaining to Goofy.
Hello? Yeah, it's my washing machine, it's broken.
Yeah, could you send round an East End thug? Thanks.
Yeah, just through here.
lt's round here. There it is. Switch it on and it just completely cuts out.
Are you happy to be here while l do this?
- Yeah, l'm just tidying up. - OK.
- Off you go. - All right.
There's a gentleman here paid a lot of money for you and he's not very happy.
lf you don't start turning, l'm gonna tear you apart so totally
you'll look like a fucking Meccano set, you cheap piece of metallised crap.
l'm gonna standle your belt, that's what l'm gonna do.
lf you don't rotate, you're gonna end up in a laundrette in an old folks home
mopping up shitty pants and sheets - is that what you want?
l'm gonna tear every nut and bolt and piece of wire
out of your cheap guts.
and then l'm gonna shove 'em down your powder tray like bits of old banana.
And when l come round tomorrow,
l'm gonna bring a pair of trousers that says dry clean only
and you're gonna wash them. l don't care what is says on the label -
you're a washing machine, now fucking wash!
l will not tell you again.
(Washing machine starts spinning)
That is fantastic.
- Thanks a lot. Thanks very much. - All right?
l'd offer you a cup of tea but the kettle's broken as well.
- What, this kettle? - Yeah.
- lt cuts out just before boiling point. - Want me to have a word?
- Yes, please. - Listen, you...
l saw that Jerry Adams once. You know Jerry Adams?
Yeah, Jerry Adams.
He burst into my room in the middle of the night
shouting ''We've come for your father'',
which made me laugh a bit, cos me dad's dead.
Anyway, l got a good look at him
and in real life he's the exact double of Moira Stewart.
Right.
Yeah, it's amazing, they could be twins. lt's like a mirror image.
lt's as if Moira Stewart was looking into a mirror
and somebody's drawn on a false beard and glasses.
lt's unbelievable really.
(LiverpudIian woman) I kept Iooking at myseIf and thinking I Iooked ordinary
and I wanted to Iook speciaI.
I tried everything with my hair and my cIothes but, nothing.
So, I decided to go have one of Jude Law's hands stitched to my arm.
It feIt reaIIy good. PeopIe started treating me differentIy.
I couId see them in the street admiring me.
When I take me niece and nephew out, they wouId fight and scream
to see who couId get hoId of Jude Law's hand.
When I went to the restaurants, the waiters wouId fuss aII over the hand
and put out finger bowIs and dips and bread baskets for it
cos they were thinking, ''She's speciaI.
''She's got Jude Law's hand stitched to the stump of her arm. ''
It was briIIiant, it was boss!
(Armando ) Why are we aII convinced famous peopIe
somehow make our Iives more exciting?
My neighbourhood's wetting itseIf
because HaIe and Pace have come to be fiImed working in a shoe shop.
Though to experience what it's reaIIy Iike being ordinary,
HaIe and Pace wiII work in it for 1 7 years
and there's no pIans to make it into a TVprogramme.
Those boots we ordered for the winter,
We'll get stuffed with piles of them we can't sell.
Why don't we close early and go and have something to eat?
l don't think that's gonna solve it, mate.
l'll have to go and sort these bloody accounts out and it's just not working.
HopefuIIy, HaIe and Pace wiII come to reaIise
that Iife is mostIy miserabIe unIess you seize the moment.
What's the matter, Alistair? What's wrong?
Oi! Alistair, come back.
Where you going? Alistair, come back! Alistair!
(♪ FRANK SlNATRA: ''All Or Nothing At All'')
♪ Half a love
♪ Never appealed to me
♪ lf your heart
♪ lt could never could yield to me
♪ Then l'd rather, rather have nothing at all
♪ l said all or nothing at all
♪ lf it's love, there ain't no in-between
♪ Why begin and cry for something that might have been
♪ No, l'd rather, rather have nothing at all
♪ But please don't bring your lips so close to my cheek
♪ Don't you smile or l'll be lost beyond recall
♪ The kiss in your eyes
♪ The touch of your hand makes me weep
♪ And my heart may grow very dizzy and fall
♪ And if l fell
♪ Fell under the spell of your call
♪ l would be
♪ Caught down in the undertow
♪ So, you see
♪ l must start to say no, no
♪ No, all, or nothing at all
♪ And if l fell
♪ Fell under the spell of your call...
(Woman) lt had nothing to do with me.
♪ l would be
♪ l'd be caught in the undertow
♪ So you see l've just got to say no
♪ No... All or nothing at all ♪
Good boy, l missed you. Yes, where have you been?
(Man) How do I think peopIe think about me?
(Laughs ) PeopIe probabIy hate me.
I run Bedford's water.
I work in this fantasticaIIy pIush head office.
Morning.
(Man) Get paid £340,000 a year.
I suppose that makes me a big fat cat utiIities scum boy.
Quite honestIy, I think I deserve every penny I get.
(Phone rings)
Hello, Bedford Water.
(Man) I'm the one that has to get the water to every tap in Bedford,
safeIy and on time and that is a terrifying responsibiIity.
Slight discolouration in the water. Whereabouts?
(Man) I'm the onIy one that works here.
No problem, bye.
(Man) Everything that happens, it's me that has to sort it out.
If the water's discoIoured, or if the water's too soft,
or if it's gone missing - it's me, just me.
This morning I checked the Cherry Street fiIters for saIt deposits.
I have to do something Iike that maybe three or four times a week.
I've deveIoped tremendous Iungs but that's no compensation.
(Phone rings)
(Man) I deserve my money.
Sod the Iot of you.
Evening.
(Man) Sod Bedford.
(Doorbell)
Hello, Hugh. l was thinking how the fast pace of change
can make us feel left behind.
- Do you ever find that, being old? - Nah.
So, Hugh, what's your earliest vivid memory?
There used to be air raids and we'd hide in the air raid shelter
and we watched television.
We always watched Don't Forget Your Toothbrush
with Chris Evans.
Where do you wanna go? Bali?
Where do you don't wanna go? Burnley.
(Laughs) He was very good,
until he disappeared up his own arse.
l'm sure Chris Evans would agree
that it's an over-proliferation of hype in modern society
that's made us lose the true sense of the value of things. Ah, here we are.
Look at this. Last week l had a shower unit installed in my bathroom
and on the packaging it said
that the shower comes in ''three exciting spray patterns.''
Now, what's exciting about a spray pattern?
lt's just water dropping.
lf the water arced out in the shape of Jehovah's face, that would be exciting.
Actually, after l installed my new shower, l switched it on
and for once, the marketing hype was true.
l thought two of the shower patterns were tedious,
not much more exciting than sporadic dripping,
but with the third one, the water does arc out in the shape of Jehovah's face.
So, in the end, the £1 9.50 l paid on top of the standard model was worth it,
even though it means l'll always have pilgrims in my shower.
Hello. How are you? All right?
l'm just gonna have a shower. All right? OK.
- Hello. Have you seen Jehovah? - Yes.
It's so easy to be seduced by reIigion or fame.
They heIp us forget the horrid heII of trying to survive each day.
...the accounts out in the first place, you arsehole!
(Yells) Just get Clarks off my back, will you!
For me, the only time l ever came close
to having a genuinely profound religious experience
was when l was standing right outside my local supermarket.
It was next to the troIIeys that my Iife changed profoundIy.
There was an enormous fIight simuIator run by a mysterious man.
The mysterious man said it was the most sickening ride in Britain.
It was a very good simuIation of a commerciaI fIight taking off.
Then, three minutes in, an amazing thing happened.
(Pilot) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've lost control of this aircraft.
'Our engines are on fire and we're falling at 500 miles per hour.
'There's very little chance that any of us will survive the impact. l'm sorry.'
(Armando ) We aII experienced what it was Iike to sit in a depressurised
burning Iump of moIten metaI hurtIing to the ground.
We used these Iast remaining minutes to evaIuate our Iives
and think of the things we aIways wanted to do.
This man decided to start up his own garden design business,
using nearby serviettes to sketch a business pIan.
This woman wanted to Iose haIf a stone and started eating Iots of saIad.
SuddenIy, I was hit by a startIing reveIation -
that up to haIf of my Iife had been compIeteIy pointIess.
I thought of the 1 4 months I wasted going down Anderson Street
before I discovered the shortcut down Widney Grove.
Or the weekend I tried taking up kiting
on an inappropriateIy eIevated common.
I totted up aII those moments
I spent pointing at hot air baIIoons on summer days,
standing in front of the video whiIe it rewound,
or Iooking at my own suntan.
I considered the time I spent Iooking for restaurants
open after 9.:00pm in smaII towns.
I added in that day I got Iost
and ended up waIking a nine-miIe tetrahedron around Dumfries.
I thought about the time spent Iooking at rabbits in a Iarge municipaI zoo,
or those moments when I stop everything
because I think I'm going to sneeze, but then don't sneeze.
Adding it aII up, I concIuded that 44 % of my Iife had been an utter waste of time.
The ride stopped ten seconds before impact.
We were aII changed utterIy.
This man bought a yacht which he then gave to the poor.
- This boy was traumatised forever. - (Screaming)
I decided to pack more into my Iife by doing everything quicker,
since I now knew that with Iife you seIdom get second chances.
(Applause )
Thank you. lt was very kind of the British Medical Council to invite me here.
You know most of my story already through knowing about my son, Danny.
Danny was a boxer, but boxing has its price.
Any mother knows that.
And on the 1 7th May 1 999,
Danny was smashed in the eyes by another fighter.
Danny was unconscious for a very long time.
Eventually he woke up but into a body that was a total let-down.
Danny could not walk or digest or bend
and everything he said came out sounding thike that.
lt would have been easy to walk away and write my son off as a total carrot,
but thanks to you, Danny has regained his dignity.
Specialists have come up with transistors and micro-circuitry
to control his legs and lips.
An armoury of valves and funnels can make him laugh and jump.
And so, as a thanks to you who've made this possible,
my son has decided that it will be here,
in the headquarters of the British Medical Council,
that he will now fight his comeback bout against Kenny O'Reilly!
- (Yells) Enjoy it, cos this one's on you! - (Cheering)
(Announcer) 'ln the blue corner, Kenny O'Reilly.
'ln the red corner, Danny Loach.'
(Bell rings)
Come on, Danny. Come on, Danny. We'll be back, O'Reilly,
and next time, we're gonna tear your face off!
Perhaps the mysterious man who ran the fIight simuIator
discovered what Iies at the heart of Iife.
NormaIIy he turned his horribIe ride off ten seconds before impact,
but one day he Iet it run the fuII duration.
We'II never know what he found, because he immediateIy disappeared.
Three weeks Iater, wreckage from his fIight simuIator
was found strewn over a ten-miIe radius in the woods
and his body was up a tree
with a note in his hand saying ''This wasn't meant to happen. ''
It is heaven.
Here, the dead are at rest,
and there are unaIIoyed joys in abundance.
But moraIe was Iow in heaven,
so the dead decided to have a meeting
and took their grievance to God.
They toId God that their happiness in heaven was so fantastic,
they actuaIIy feIt quite guiIty and this guiIt was spoiIing their happiness.
And God said ''WeII, there you go''
To which one of the dead excIaimed, ''That's briIIiant, God's reaIIy annoying''
and then the rest of them said ''Oh, I see what you mean. ''
''Because God's response was pathetic, Iife here is no Ionger perfect.
''So now we needn't feeI guiIty. Hosanna, we're happy again.
''Let's thank God with a dance. ''
(♪ Orchestra plays in a Broadway musical style )
The net profit on kid's stuff
is a quarter what it is on adult shoes.
Not necessarily.
On lightweight trainers it's 27 % .
Who buys lightweight trainers in the winter?